We’ve all been there: You spend hours crafting the perfect online dating profile, and tailoring your search to find your ideal match. You talk to a few people, and go on some dates – but they either don’t call you back, or there’s something “off” about them. Either way, you end up alone and frustrated. Eventually, that sneaking thought creeps in: “Is there something wrong with me?”
The short answer: No, there’s nothing wrong with you. But maybe your virtual search for love isn’t consistent with what you REALLY need or want in a relationship. It’s easy to get sucked up in an endless sea of Tinder matches and websites that are micro-tailored to arbitrary interests (Golf Date, anyone?), but app algorithms based on shared interests don’t really tell us anything about the kind of partner we are truly looking for.
It’s likely you have an ongoing mental list of the things you want in your ideal partner. Write them down. Now, consider how many of those criteria have actually been met in your past partners. The ones that haven’t shown up are probably the things you don’t really need, and can eliminate from your search for “the one.” If that person has them, great! But they aren’t essential, and shouldn’t be holding you up when it comes to deciding whether or not this person is the right one for you.
Sometimes, we may end up dating people who aren’t great for us, and maybe are even abusive. Repeatedly choosing these types of people to be in relationships with could be a sign of something much deeper and harder to deal with on your own. If this is the case for you, it’s okay to seek some help. Shift’s therapy model helps to identify what causes these loops in unhealthy behaviour, and work through them using a blend of cognitive behavioural therapy and bi-lateral stimulation.