Some relationships don’t end so well. And what do those relationships all seem to have in common?
That's right.. it's you. But hey, here’s the good news: YOU control YOU... and can start steering your relationships to the desired outcomes.
Do you catch yourself looking to retaliate when you think your partner has done you wrong? Are you a relationship detective, always searching for clues that he really did get that girl’s number, or she really was flirting with her coworker? Do you blow up at your partner at the smallest thing...maybe they didn’t give you the attention you were looking for or the response you wanted. When you fight, is your partner locked in the bathroom and you are yelling through the door?
If this sounds like you, you may be the “Overreacter”! This could come from a deep fear that your partner will leave you, so you resort to hurting them before they hurt you. Or, you constantly need them to reassure you that they want you, whether that is through their words, actions, or time they spend with you.
Do you spend your dates distracted by all of the awkward things you’re doing? Do you have so much anxiety about whether or not your date will like you that you say “screw it” and cancel? Do you wish that your dating life could all be done through text, where you are able to edit and shine! Has your lack of dating experience made it feel even more daunting now?
If this sounds like you, you may be the “Anxious- Avoider”! This can come from feeling like you are not enough, not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, hot enough, etc. Or, from feeling like you just can’t handle the pressure of making someone like you on a date. And this makes it all so anxiety provoking that you would rather just cancel, but the more you do that, more anxious you feel....
Do you always need to puff your chest and primp your feathers to hide your flaws and show everyone how hot you are? Do you focus only on dating the hot guy/girl because, what would your friends think if you dated the ugly smart one? Are you exhausted from always have to be presenting your A game, even to the point that you can’t let go during sex?
If this sounds like you, you may be the “Peacocking-Perfectionist”! This can result from a fear that you won’t be accepted and loved if people see your flaws. You worry you aren’t good enough so you present a perfect version of yourself to the people you date and you expect the same from the people you date. This may leave you feeling lonely, disconnected, or unfulfilled in your dating life.
Do you tend to spend all your energy taking care of everyone during your day, then take out your exhaustion on your partner? Do you refuse your spouse’s help, insist that you’ve “got this”, and then silently stew about having so much on your plate? Is asking for help hard for you? Are you driven by guilt to accommodate everyone?
If this sounds like you, you may be the “Superhuman-Martyr”! This comes from the pressure you feel to prove to everyone in your life that you deserve a spot in theirs. Guilt drives you to hustle to be everything for everyone without asking for anything in return. Over time, resentment can build because you are taking stock of all that you’ve done for your spouse, and they can’t even pick up after themselves like you asked them to.
Do you find yourself nit picking at your partner for shit that really doesn’t matter, like how they sort their laundry or load the dishwasher? Are you constantly anxious in the beginning of dating someone because you can’t be certain how they feel or how it will work out? Has your constant correcting led your partner to give up on trying to do things because you’re just going to correct them anyways? Do you worry about how your high stress will impact your partner?
If this sounds like you, you may be the “Control Freak”! This comes from the anxiety that you may experience with uncertainty or the unknown. As a result, you try to control every little thing in your life as a way of making you feel more in control of things. Anxiety and worry are the name of the game in this one.
Do you spend a ton of time at work because you feel the pressure to provide a good life for you spouse? Do you feel like you can never do enough and they don’t understand or appreciate how much pressure you are under? Do you feel attacked and get defensive the second you walk through the door, leading you to want to work even more to escape the criticism?
If this sounds like you, you may be the “Workaholic-Striver”! This can come from a deep-seated fear of failure, which leaves you feeling like you need to strive and strive and strive to do more and succeed. This leads to tons of pressure, exhaustion, and burnout, which you take out on your partner. Also, you’re extra sensitive to criticism, so your communication style is all about defense rather than listening.
Do you find yourself consistently going for Mr. or Mrs. Wrong because you see the potential in them and want to be the one who saves them? Do you find you end up feeling taken advantage of and wondering how you, as a smart person, keep finding yourself stuck in these crappy relationships? Does the feeling of being wanted and needed by someone make you stay because having someone, even if they act sucky to you, is better than having no one?
If this sounds like you, you may be the “Stuck-Saver”! This can come from a fear of being alone, or the need to feel important to someone. This leads you to chose people who need saving out of the desire to love them enough that they will love themselves. Eventually though, they don’t change and things may even get worse, but you feel stuck and unable to leave them because it’s nice to feel needed, you see their potential, and the fear of unknown makes you stick with the less-than-stellar things your comfortable with.
Do you find you are always searching for your date’s flaws and waiting for the other shoe to drop, because you fear the consequences of committing to the wrong person? Does the pressure from friends and family to “settle down” make it feel even more of a big deal to give someone a chance? Is it too awkward to be honest with your date that you’re not into them, so instead you come up with excuses and eventually ghost on them?
If this sounds like you, you may be the “ Uncommitted-Overthinker”! This comes from discomfort with the uncertainty that comes with committing long-term to someone, and therefore feeling that the person you chose must be the “perfect fit”. You don’t want to disappoint your friends and family so you feel all the pressure to find the perfect person, making you look at every date through a flaw-finding magnifying glass. But you also secretly worry that the person you think is perfect for you wont think your perfect for them, so you might as well just give everyone you date the fade away....
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